it's ok to be alone.

more luv

i love my new chapstick.

mmmmmmmm

 its Cinnabon.


seriously yummy. and smooth. not like the ones you need every 6 seconds.

 Just sayin'

my new life

It actually feels like I have a new life.

I feel better more often. I have been having the occasional illegal food item now and then, and usually feel some variation of gross after. but have been finding out that some things are better than others.
[obviously]
but not by small amounts. by leaps and bounds.

Cheezies. Make me crampy. like raging cramps that hurt and make me want to cry a bit.

Rye toast and honey - pretty OK. perhaps a bit gassy.

Rice crackers and goat cheese. - zero ill effect. but its not a bad food, its all allowable. perhaps not in the quantities I consume it. but it really is a HUGE treat.  I LOVE goat cheese.

Cheese cake [ bought a small individual one from safeway]  YUM and i felt fine after.

2 slices of kraft singles cheese on rye toast.
[ I had only 2 slices left in my fridge from before all this.... ]
 - incredibly bloated and gassy and uncomfortable for quite a long time after. like HOURS and HOURS

Fresh strawberries, cut up and served with Chocolate Almond breeze 'milk' - super delicious and no problems because both items are on the allowed list.

 I have found that even one beer, makes me wake up with dry mouth that can only be compared to an attempt at sucking the moisture out of desert sand. and seemingly no amount of water can help me cure it.

when I eat bad things, my tonsils get very angry and inflamed and large and sore.  but will calm right back down [with in a day] if I cease the bad food.

somethings make me very snotty and phlem-y but i haven't nailed down exactly what it is yet.

I pretty much have to get up middle of the night to pee, every night. but blame it on the water intake.

I taste things more. like taste sensitivity has sky rocketed. Prior to all this, Tap water tasted like water. bottled water tasted like water. there wasn't a huge difference. subtle maybe, but not anything big.   NOW?  omg. tap water is bordering on gross. I taste the processing? the chemicals? the chlorine. whatever it is, i taste it all. and wondering what i should do about it. Britta? by the big jugs of water? get an on tap filter?

Making a bowl of steamed veggies and lentils for lunch doesn't seem weird now. or forced.
I always have veggies in my fridge, before I rarely did.
i dont miss meat as much as i thought I would. Even though I can eat it, i find I rarely do.

my clothes that fit tightly, fall off me now, and i MUST use a belt.

i knew, without a doubt, that 2010 would bring change. I did not know in what form.

i'm thinking this is it... this is was had to happen.

I wanna be a part of something I dont know

I LOVE the new miley song.

Like seriously. Love it.

Can't be Tamed

and I am not embarrased about it.  LOVE IT

Dance around my living room love it.

pop quiz

after eating very well for the past 2 days and feeling WAY better than the weekend.

 i followed my lunch with a handful of Hawkins Cheesies.

How do I feel? [choose all that apply]

A. awesome
B. like hell
C. cramping
D. i should follow it up with a DQ blizzard

Ok. go...

No Title

I am starting to finish up some of the bottles of pills I have to take.

it'll be cool not to have to take like 9 things with breakfast, 3 or so is do-able.

sniffles are subsiding seemingly as quickly as they came.

May is looking to be appointments galore.

May 4, 6, 7, 12, 19, 26, ~~already booked.

and likely a few more in the next few weeks that haven't been booked yet.

i am MONDO glad this is mostly covered by my benefits.

 i likely wouldn't be doing it otherwise.  I don't think i could afford it.

the weekend - END

its over.

The mental need to eat what I previously did not. over
The need for foods i was forbidden. over
Cheese, Wheat, processed, deep fried.  over

Since my appointment on Wednesday,  I made a decision, to eat what i wanted, with the thought in mind that Monday, i'd go back to the veggies. Back to the new normal.

I accepted that I would likely feel bad. Maybe get the runs, stomach pain, something.

I didn't expect this.

the state I am in now.

Can be described similar to hay fever, or a horrific cold. but its not a cold, and its not hay fever.

I have not suffered from Hay fever my whole life. I don't think I'd be starting now.
and although i have the symptoms of a cold. there is a major difference that there is no bacteria / virus involved.  That much I can feel.  I don't feel "sick", i don't feel my body is invaded. I feel my body is waging war on my stomach and its contents.

which is exactly what happened this weekend. War.

I kept dropping bomb after bomb. assaulting my system.

I ate _____ (insert pretty much any meal for the past 4 days.)  knowing that my stomach couldn't take it.  and then a few hours later, I'd drop another bomb down the hatch, by way of pizza, subway, cheezies, beer.

I felt poorly, heavy, over full, gross.  I slept horribly. but i still ate whatever my brain wanted. whatever I could think up.   I dipped stuff in ranch dressing.  I ate more than my stomach could hold. and then had the last piece just because.

I sat on the couch and held my stomach, with a pang of regret. but then went into the kicthen to find more snacks.

I would cry. ramdomly, for no reason. not out of guilt, or pain. but just because. triggerless crying because my emotions were also affected as much as my body was physically. I felt sad at times. elated at others. motivated to clean. but not knowing how to get off the couch to start. The dog food I bought on friday still sits in the trunk of my car. but i did finally mop the floors on Sunday evening after avoiding it all weekend.

I'd walk past the mirror, and pause, doing a double take, at the sheer size of my boated belly. it was hard, and pushed out, and uncomfortable.  I had a gatorade. I prefered sweats.

I wanted to do nothing but sleep. and eat more. and eat nothing. and drink water. torn.

its monday.

I feel like i went on a bender. which i did. but not of the alcohol variety. it was a food bender.

and lunch is steamed rainbow Chard. Mango as a snack, Carrots as another snack. water.

dinner will be broccoli, or butternut squash.

tomorrow, I have 3 appointments. all to aid digestion.

i'm hoping for a fast reset.  That the sniffly, sneezy, allergy feeling.... goes away fast.

time will tell.

pills

some of the stuff i have to take....daily, or with every meal, or before bed,

its random. but here's the list

Pan -Ox -5

Multi-Probiotics


Multi-Glyco 

HMF powder or here 

LVDTX 

Citracidal

Bio-Enzymes 

Ashwagandha 

some times its overwhelming,  because swallowing pills, even if they are meant to fix everything, can be a serious chore.

especially when breakfast is 9 in total.. 

a little while later..

i'm feeling better.  not so much the world is going to end. but still not like before the cheat food.

but my right nostril is still dripping...  and i dont have a cold, nor am I coming down with one..

if you had any doubts before...

today is a big bad gloomy horrible day.  its only 7:21 am.

i know now that it started last night. I was WAY unmotivated. i didnt even make myself a proper dinner.

 I sat on the couch, i was freezing. i couldn't get warm.. I wondered if 7 pm was too early for bed.  I stayed up until 10 pm anyways

this morning. the alarm went off and in my head i cursed as I hit the snooze button.

stupid morning, stupid alarm, its warm in my bed.

I meander to the bathroom to be greeted with eye goo. my eyes kind of sting and i look in the mirror.  its been about a month since i had any of this.   its not over the top, but its here. where it hasn't been lately.

my right nostril / sinus is full and not amount of blowing is going to make the feeling go away. its just... stuffy, congested.  i tried a few times. no luck.

I showered, the steam did nothing to fix my nose problem, i fished more goo out of my eyes.

i got dressed. grumbled into the kitchen, ate breakfast.  I have a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, i woke up a bit bloated.

I feel ....UGH! .... slow heavy, tired, cranky, like i want to curl up in my bed and cry,, or sleep, or both. I want to watch sappy movies on the couch under a pile of blankets.

 i want to turn off my phone. close my office door, i dont want to talk, make small talk, smile.

but part of me knows. without a doubt, that this is ALL because i have been not eating veggies. Because I have been eating things my body has detoxed itself from.

I had subway for lunch yesterday, i had a small small piece of cake yesterday afternoon to celebrate some office birthdays,  i had ice cream and ribs the day before.

in what I have eaten lately regardles of how small the quantity, the following has been consumed in some form.....i have had salt, cheese, bread, milk, sugar, preservatives, hot sauce, pork, bacon, ham, turkey, brownie chunks, icing, cake, cheesies.

and for the 25 days prior, i didn't have a single sniff of any of that.

i feel horrific.  Lunch today is steamed Chard and Cauliflower, with a pear or an avocado as a snack.  I am so excited. I have high hopes that it'll make me feel better. or at least not worse?

I WANT it to make me feel better. 

I will be ok today, i will smile, and talk and act differently than how i feel inside.

but it won't be how I feel inside...