bliss

I remember my bed.

I sit at work, trying to focus, and all i can remember is my bed. The sheets felt like a dream this morning.

dreamy enough that I got up when my alarm went off and set it for one whole hour later and crawled back into the dream

little later to work then usual

but in the picture of life, it doesn't matter. and that hour meant more to me then the 15 min i showed up later to work would mean to them

The traffic was slower moving, the radio on.

I called in to win tickets.

caller 10 they wanted

 i was caller 2

and then again

I was caller 8.

not destined to win.

that was the first time i ever even got through.

restless

I can't sleep these days.  Not like I used to. Not like last week, last month.

But life is not the same.

eyes have been opened.

With every new experience, one can never go back to how they were before.

there is no return, to how life was before, each and every experience.

i can't sleep, but i am excited. with every day, i get more excited.

new ring

I went, randomly, to a house party on Saturday night.

Clinton, whom i have not spoke to for at least 14 months, sent me a text.

"are you free? Fun times here, you should come, [insert house address]"

so i went. I was not doing much. I had just left a BBQ at Travis' house.

Clinton and his friend Steve were there, along with 50 - 60 other people. or i should say hippies.

the smell was very hippie-ish. smoking herbs, un-showered bodies, no deodorant.

there was drums. and people playing them. there was a didgeridoo. there was hammocks, and hula hoops and poi.

there was henna and hemp, and dreads on almost every head. there was very few bras, and essentially zero under wire.

it could have been a scene from Thailand, or any tropical third world country, where these people would frequent.

I got a ring, its made of coconut. it fits my thumb perfectly. and I love it.


*the hammock picture is form the internet, not the party, but that is the style of hammock that was all over the back yard, for use and for sale.*

Motivated

I find it a bit funny that i am more motivated by the pain of exercise then the feel good factor after. This weekend i went on a hike to Mt Yamnuska with my friend. We took the hard "climbers" route and not the family hiking route. No, we dont know why, seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was hard. very very hard.

and steep.

and rocky

and rock slide-y

and I have bruises on my butt cheeks as I found out last night. from the times when i was too tired to go on and had to sit on one of the rocks. which were very sharp.

the whole ordeal took 4.5 hours. of intense work. the whole time. because on the way down we encountered thigh deep snow on several occasions and had to slip and slide and toboggan on our butts to get down.

good thing it was +17  *C outside.

We got to the car and enjoyed a deliciously, epic beverage. Lychee sparkling beverage from Superstore. if you have not had it. go buy some. you will not be disappointed.

We hurt. well i hurt. I am sure she did to. But i FOR SURE hurt. and I felt like I would willingly do it all again the next day, even though i doubted being able to walk the next day.

 The next day we went swim suit shopping. funny, trying on swim suits when it is hard to even bend over.  i was in continuous search for a one peice.  and low and behold, I found one.

it was the one I brought in that was the most unlikely in my mind.

looks like an old lady cougar suit. because it is a halter top neck, that has a split all the way to my belly button i the front. thats right.. allllll the way down.

and it has a sash around the hips. and big square shiny things on it. and its Black and white polka dots.

sounds delightful. I know. in a trashy sort of way.

 but then I put it on, and wow. it gives me a figure which is not quite there when I look in the mirror. and it makes me look tall and sleek and fit. and I am kind of not these days.

and i could wear this swimsuit and feel 10 lbs lighter. which makes me think that most people would then do nothing because it gives them the look they want.

 but i feel oppositely... if I look good in this ta my current weight... how good can i look 10 - 15 lbs lighter.

 and so the motivation comes from the pain of hiking, and finding a glorious swim suit that makes me look where I actually want to be.

is that weird?

um

as it turns out the guys downstairs did not order pizza and they got woken up too because i sent the pizza guy to the side door


lucky my note wasn't actually that nasty..

heh heh

Rude Awakenings

I curl up into bed with a good book, read until my eyes start to droop and its time to go to sleep.

The clock reads 10:27 pm. Respectable time for bed. some days its still been light out.

I turn out the light and drift into sleep un aided by any cold medications, just blissfully tired.

the sheets are in perfect position, you know, when you are perfectly content in your little cocoon..

dream land. come to me.

DING DONG

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG

I fly out of my slumber, confused, annoyed, wondering if it was real.

DING DONG

i get dressed into more appropriate attire and go to the door.

" Pizza?"

um no. I did not order pizza.

you live at ...... you order pizza.

No, i am sure I didn't. try the side door.

I slam the door and crawl back into bed. its 2 am. i lay there, awake, startled, annoyed, trying to fall back asleep. to no avail, I peek out from under the blankets.

2:40 am.

UGH!

i finally drift off to sleep. only to wake up a short while later

3:40 am.

I see the humour in the time being exactly one hour later. I still curse again and roll over.

4:40 am.

I see the clock again... sick joke.

5:40 am.

beep beep beep beep.

I think I may be tired today....
I hope the note I left at the back door was direct, but not as harsh as my tired body would have liked it to read

Endings

last night I met up with the Ex to exchange final stuff and have that conversation...

should we get back together? can it work?

The outcome was no, it won't work

"but maybe I'll get to the point where that would be OK, I would be OK with..." he says

I told him. with sadness and touch of venom in my voice.

" I need to live my life now, not when YOU'LL be OK with certain things, my life is NOW"

he looked a bit shocked. but i think that the clarity I wanted him to have came with it.

I think he may have understood what i meant. As I meant it.