it's ok to be alone.

more luv

i love my new chapstick.

mmmmmmmm

 its Cinnabon.


seriously yummy. and smooth. not like the ones you need every 6 seconds.

 Just sayin'

my new life

It actually feels like I have a new life.

I feel better more often. I have been having the occasional illegal food item now and then, and usually feel some variation of gross after. but have been finding out that some things are better than others.
[obviously]
but not by small amounts. by leaps and bounds.

Cheezies. Make me crampy. like raging cramps that hurt and make me want to cry a bit.

Rye toast and honey - pretty OK. perhaps a bit gassy.

Rice crackers and goat cheese. - zero ill effect. but its not a bad food, its all allowable. perhaps not in the quantities I consume it. but it really is a HUGE treat.  I LOVE goat cheese.

Cheese cake [ bought a small individual one from safeway]  YUM and i felt fine after.

2 slices of kraft singles cheese on rye toast.
[ I had only 2 slices left in my fridge from before all this.... ]
 - incredibly bloated and gassy and uncomfortable for quite a long time after. like HOURS and HOURS

Fresh strawberries, cut up and served with Chocolate Almond breeze 'milk' - super delicious and no problems because both items are on the allowed list.

 I have found that even one beer, makes me wake up with dry mouth that can only be compared to an attempt at sucking the moisture out of desert sand. and seemingly no amount of water can help me cure it.

when I eat bad things, my tonsils get very angry and inflamed and large and sore.  but will calm right back down [with in a day] if I cease the bad food.

somethings make me very snotty and phlem-y but i haven't nailed down exactly what it is yet.

I pretty much have to get up middle of the night to pee, every night. but blame it on the water intake.

I taste things more. like taste sensitivity has sky rocketed. Prior to all this, Tap water tasted like water. bottled water tasted like water. there wasn't a huge difference. subtle maybe, but not anything big.   NOW?  omg. tap water is bordering on gross. I taste the processing? the chemicals? the chlorine. whatever it is, i taste it all. and wondering what i should do about it. Britta? by the big jugs of water? get an on tap filter?

Making a bowl of steamed veggies and lentils for lunch doesn't seem weird now. or forced.
I always have veggies in my fridge, before I rarely did.
i dont miss meat as much as i thought I would. Even though I can eat it, i find I rarely do.

my clothes that fit tightly, fall off me now, and i MUST use a belt.

i knew, without a doubt, that 2010 would bring change. I did not know in what form.

i'm thinking this is it... this is was had to happen.

I wanna be a part of something I dont know

I LOVE the new miley song.

Like seriously. Love it.

Can't be Tamed

and I am not embarrased about it.  LOVE IT

Dance around my living room love it.

pop quiz

after eating very well for the past 2 days and feeling WAY better than the weekend.

 i followed my lunch with a handful of Hawkins Cheesies.

How do I feel? [choose all that apply]

A. awesome
B. like hell
C. cramping
D. i should follow it up with a DQ blizzard

Ok. go...

No Title

I am starting to finish up some of the bottles of pills I have to take.

it'll be cool not to have to take like 9 things with breakfast, 3 or so is do-able.

sniffles are subsiding seemingly as quickly as they came.

May is looking to be appointments galore.

May 4, 6, 7, 12, 19, 26, ~~already booked.

and likely a few more in the next few weeks that haven't been booked yet.

i am MONDO glad this is mostly covered by my benefits.

 i likely wouldn't be doing it otherwise.  I don't think i could afford it.

the weekend - END

its over.

The mental need to eat what I previously did not. over
The need for foods i was forbidden. over
Cheese, Wheat, processed, deep fried.  over

Since my appointment on Wednesday,  I made a decision, to eat what i wanted, with the thought in mind that Monday, i'd go back to the veggies. Back to the new normal.

I accepted that I would likely feel bad. Maybe get the runs, stomach pain, something.

I didn't expect this.

the state I am in now.

Can be described similar to hay fever, or a horrific cold. but its not a cold, and its not hay fever.

I have not suffered from Hay fever my whole life. I don't think I'd be starting now.
and although i have the symptoms of a cold. there is a major difference that there is no bacteria / virus involved.  That much I can feel.  I don't feel "sick", i don't feel my body is invaded. I feel my body is waging war on my stomach and its contents.

which is exactly what happened this weekend. War.

I kept dropping bomb after bomb. assaulting my system.

I ate _____ (insert pretty much any meal for the past 4 days.)  knowing that my stomach couldn't take it.  and then a few hours later, I'd drop another bomb down the hatch, by way of pizza, subway, cheezies, beer.

I felt poorly, heavy, over full, gross.  I slept horribly. but i still ate whatever my brain wanted. whatever I could think up.   I dipped stuff in ranch dressing.  I ate more than my stomach could hold. and then had the last piece just because.

I sat on the couch and held my stomach, with a pang of regret. but then went into the kicthen to find more snacks.

I would cry. ramdomly, for no reason. not out of guilt, or pain. but just because. triggerless crying because my emotions were also affected as much as my body was physically. I felt sad at times. elated at others. motivated to clean. but not knowing how to get off the couch to start. The dog food I bought on friday still sits in the trunk of my car. but i did finally mop the floors on Sunday evening after avoiding it all weekend.

I'd walk past the mirror, and pause, doing a double take, at the sheer size of my boated belly. it was hard, and pushed out, and uncomfortable.  I had a gatorade. I prefered sweats.

I wanted to do nothing but sleep. and eat more. and eat nothing. and drink water. torn.

its monday.

I feel like i went on a bender. which i did. but not of the alcohol variety. it was a food bender.

and lunch is steamed rainbow Chard. Mango as a snack, Carrots as another snack. water.

dinner will be broccoli, or butternut squash.

tomorrow, I have 3 appointments. all to aid digestion.

i'm hoping for a fast reset.  That the sniffly, sneezy, allergy feeling.... goes away fast.

time will tell.

pills

some of the stuff i have to take....daily, or with every meal, or before bed,

its random. but here's the list

Pan -Ox -5

Multi-Probiotics


Multi-Glyco 

HMF powder or here 

LVDTX 

Citracidal

Bio-Enzymes 

Ashwagandha 

some times its overwhelming,  because swallowing pills, even if they are meant to fix everything, can be a serious chore.

especially when breakfast is 9 in total.. 

a little while later..

i'm feeling better.  not so much the world is going to end. but still not like before the cheat food.

but my right nostril is still dripping...  and i dont have a cold, nor am I coming down with one..

if you had any doubts before...

today is a big bad gloomy horrible day.  its only 7:21 am.

i know now that it started last night. I was WAY unmotivated. i didnt even make myself a proper dinner.

 I sat on the couch, i was freezing. i couldn't get warm.. I wondered if 7 pm was too early for bed.  I stayed up until 10 pm anyways

this morning. the alarm went off and in my head i cursed as I hit the snooze button.

stupid morning, stupid alarm, its warm in my bed.

I meander to the bathroom to be greeted with eye goo. my eyes kind of sting and i look in the mirror.  its been about a month since i had any of this.   its not over the top, but its here. where it hasn't been lately.

my right nostril / sinus is full and not amount of blowing is going to make the feeling go away. its just... stuffy, congested.  i tried a few times. no luck.

I showered, the steam did nothing to fix my nose problem, i fished more goo out of my eyes.

i got dressed. grumbled into the kitchen, ate breakfast.  I have a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, i woke up a bit bloated.

I feel ....UGH! .... slow heavy, tired, cranky, like i want to curl up in my bed and cry,, or sleep, or both. I want to watch sappy movies on the couch under a pile of blankets.

 i want to turn off my phone. close my office door, i dont want to talk, make small talk, smile.

but part of me knows. without a doubt, that this is ALL because i have been not eating veggies. Because I have been eating things my body has detoxed itself from.

I had subway for lunch yesterday, i had a small small piece of cake yesterday afternoon to celebrate some office birthdays,  i had ice cream and ribs the day before.

in what I have eaten lately regardles of how small the quantity, the following has been consumed in some form.....i have had salt, cheese, bread, milk, sugar, preservatives, hot sauce, pork, bacon, ham, turkey, brownie chunks, icing, cake, cheesies.

and for the 25 days prior, i didn't have a single sniff of any of that.

i feel horrific.  Lunch today is steamed Chard and Cauliflower, with a pear or an avocado as a snack.  I am so excited. I have high hopes that it'll make me feel better. or at least not worse?

I WANT it to make me feel better. 

I will be ok today, i will smile, and talk and act differently than how i feel inside.

but it won't be how I feel inside...

science project

Let's not kid ourselves... the next few days are going to have a lot of food that i shouldn't generally be eating. [ or will they? ]

 Last night was ribs and ice cream [ i skipped the beer]

today I had subway.

i consumed it starting at about 11:55 am....  its now 12:57 pm.    and I have already gone to the washroom ...

 i won't get into the gory details about how that went.. but it was quick.. if you catch my drift.

my stomach is gurgling and wholly unhappy with me.

FAIL.


Prior to the 25 days of veggies.  I could eat subway with seemingly no ill effect.

well now... i am not feeling too hot..

 infact i am feeling strangely similar to the BIG MAC day.

 complete with hot flashes, and flushed red skin. and HOT.  my feet are STEAMING right now.

what did I eat at subway?

 Turkey ham club.  on whole wheat bread.  cheese yes, all veggies aside from jalapenos and onions.

It was good, I enjoyed every bite.  but I am kind of wishing I just brought in a lunch of steamed veggies.

Regret will undoubtedly keep me on track way more than I planned on. On wed morning. I would have said regret would have no say in my diet.

it's having  a huge say.

it gets worse

i had my appointment,  thats a whole different post.. needmore time to think about what to say and how to say it.

but when i got back to the office i had some peanut m&m's

about 15 - 20.   no more.

 and i currently want to curl up and die.

 i have constant physical pain in my stomach, that is kind of pulsating...like a cramp.

 from moderately painful, to really painful.

so experiment #1 after 25 days of only veggies.

Epic fail

 not worth it.  I'd give back the candies in a heart beat.

oh man

I thought today would never come.

 but it came.  and then this morning, felt like i had 2 more days to wait, but it was only 5 hours.

 and now...

 less than 30 min before i get in the car to drive there.


excited?

 i think so.

umm

I have a lot of white hair.

a lot

tonight

i think tonight will be the hardest night...

 appointment is tomorrow at 12:30.

 so close to being done.

 yet still not allowed to eat anything other than veggies..

 sooooooooooo close.

 so close.

new policies

since the departure of a large negative force in my life last spring. Over a whole year ago....

I (think I) have had a pretty strict no bullshit policy.  for the most part I  have been sticking to it.

Occasionally over the last year, i have gotten caught up in things.  But mostly. I haven't.

Other peoples shit, is just that. Other peoples shit.

I have to be thankful. Without that year+ of bullshit. I wouldn't have learned a few lessons that I did. The hard way perhaps, but in any case. learned.

and I find I deal with things better, more efficiently, calmer.

and I like how that feels.

i made it

3 whole weeks of vegetables only.

still 3 days to go though.   appointment in on Wednesday at 12:30.

i can't wait!

AND!!

I have had 4 pairs of jeans in my closet since the fall of 2007.  I was smaller back then, thinner after spending the summer participating in bootcamps to get in shape.

I went shopping.  and bought 4 pairs of [expensive] jeans that fit then. as they were supposed to. then....

there is one pair I never wore before i gained too much weight to fit into them.

other pairs, i wore maybe once.  maybe twice.  but no more.

and they have been sitting in the back of my closet ever since.   i didn't have the heart to get rid of them.  i couldn't part with them.

 i put them on [ tried to] several times over the years.   but they were too tight.  they were uncomfortable to stand in, even more uncomfortable to sit in, and gave me the dreaded muffin top over my waist line.  I couldn't do it. so i bought some different jeans.  my 'fat' jeans so to speak... always hoping I could wear my awesome expensive small jeans...

well if you haven't figured out where this is going yet....

 THEY ALL FIT.

it didn't occur to me to try them on until now.  but i know I am smaller now... and only headed in the same direction.

[ and they are all still in style... as jeans styles dont change that much, especially not the style I like]... cuz I know 2.5 yrs of dust, could mean an outdated style... but thats not the case.

things are good and weird

My awesome tenant wants to install a screen door at the house. and wants to pay for it.

my neighbour wants to have my dog over for a sleep over in the backyard with his dog and the tent.   I can not explain the weirdness. but he is the weirdest guy ever.  so at the same time, its not surprising.   Luna loves him.  he takes the dogs for a walk, his dog, Zues, is the same size, and is Luna's boyfriend.  she LOVES that dog.   I'll try to get some pics of them together. its so cute.

it feels like everything is awesome.

i have been feeling awesome. I am going to start doing ( teaching! ) bootcamps soon.

I have a CPR course to attend on Sunday.

I have a naturopath visit next week that will hopefully give me some results... of this veggie only diet I have been on.

and tomorrow is my friday at work

Friday was supposed to be cold and rainy... but the forecast has been updated to only 20% chance of rain and 14 degrees instead of a frigid 5 degrees.

misc.

The risotto turned out pretty good.

 I omitted a lot of things from the recipe cuz I am lazy. I didn't have tarragon, so i used rosemary.
I didn't have asparagus, so i used Rapini.
I didn't have white wine.  and I wasn't about to go buy a bottle for 1/2 a cup i needed so I omitted it.

there are some other things I omitted, but i forget what they are.

i added a bit more manchego cheese than called for.

It was the first time I had in a long time that was hot and somewhat creamy.

the texture was far beyond the texture of any steamed veggie.  t was warm, hot even, and heavy and dense and a little tiny bit gooey and i loved it and over ate. and the plopped on the couch and watched a movie.

it was a good night. i needed it.  [ mostly the warm food that was not 100% veggies.]

 the rice was gluten free.  I am not sure if all rice is or not,  but this package specifically said.. Gluten free.

~~~~~~~~~

in other news... my wardrobe is.... awkward....

 I tried on three paid of pants this morning and decided they were all to big and looked sloppy.

 the tag on all three said size 8.

 I know pant sizes can vary. a lot.   I have a size 6 and a size 11 that fit the same.... but with three size 8's not fitting... 

 i think I may be approaching a size 6 as the norm.

 but i am not going shopping... so thats just speculation

I stray

I am straying from the book tonight.

The book says Asparagus Risotto something or other.

 need Asparagus, Tarragon, etc

I am doing a risotto. instead though,

I am using broccoli Rabe [ Rapini]
and I am going to use rosemary.

and I have no idea how it will turn out.

 but thats how i roll.

the list

• less eye goop in the morning. Not that it was an issue before, but it existed.  now it doesn't really ever exist

• i sleep deeper, although I am still a bit tired during the afternoon occasionally. not as much or as bad as before.
  

• i poo daily.

• i used to have to blow my nose each morning. One nostril / sinus would be some degree of clogged, if only a tiny bit, is not gone completely

• I have not felt overfull since i started this.
  

• i have not felt that horrible hunger feeling either.

• i feel level headed

• clear

• I haven't felt that heavy gross feeling after a big meal, even if you didn't eat too much

• my breath as been better. [ again wasn't a problem before, but its been noticeably better]

• I have been breaking out less.  I still do a bit, but its not as often.

• zero sugar cravings [ used to be a huge problem]

• I feel calmer, more relaxed

• I have lost about 8 lbs
  

pretty decent list of good things... even if some of them are so small it took me 2 weeks to notice.

sigh...

I has a tummy ache...

terms...

terms of endearment I am sure.

 I have been told this week more than once....

 I looked peaked

peak·ed

²   /ˈpikɪd/  [pee-kid] 

–adjective

pale and drawn in appearance so as to suggest illness or stress; wan and sickly.

I guess he did say that people would start to notice that i was doing something different.

Maybe I hoped it would be more " Oh heyyyyyyyy, you look awesome! "

i am sure that'll come soon enough... right?

Veggies anyone?

Lunch

is YUM.

I get sweet stuff this week!  Maple Syrup!  YUM yum yum.

Can you name a blog post "Gas" ?

yea, its about gas.. and not the car driving kind.

Last week I barely ever had gas. which i found weird since i was eating veggies. only. which i thought make me gassy.

but they didn't.

this week i get to have Spelt bread at breakfast.

and now I have gas again.  

I'll have to mention this to the Dr.  cuz it smells a bit and i was kind of enjoying being non gassy.

just figured you may all want to know about farting and stuff.

Me... before....

in another world

In another world, i'd be enjoying the free pizza that has been in the kitchen each and every day for the past 3 or 4 work days.

instead of going in the kitchen, cursing at the sight and smell of it, and walking out with my veggies, or water, or whatever I went there for.

sigh...

my "creamy fruit salad"  is pretty good though.

made with goat yogurt.

surprised? or just aware?

it takes alot of control to look at something, and desire it. but leave it.

I have some of the delicious spread here today. for my mid afternoon snack.

and its still here. i have opened the container 3 times to smell it. but haven't had it yet,  I haven't eaten my alloted afternoon snack. yay me.

and I dont know if I am surprised at myself regarding the amount of self control i have, or more aware, knowing i've always had it, but chose to blatantly ignore it sometimes.

Elated

I just made

Sweet Potato-pine nut spread

does it sound good?

 it should.

 its so effing good my life will never be the same. 

I may have haunting dreams knowing its in the fridge and i get to eat only 2 tablespoons tomorrow.... and I have to leave the rest for another day. 

if you though torture was only eating steamed veggies for a week.  think again.  Torture is having something this delicious in the fridge and being unable to eat it all and lick the bowl after.

MIXED EMOTIONS

i am all over the place.

happy - I am home. after spending all day going to various grocery stores and the farmers market I am super frustrated with everything and am not going out again today

not happy - i didn't get everything i needed. I forgot a jacket potato. like you would use to make a baked potato

happy - i bought cheese. today ends my vegan-ism and moves me to the vegetarian side of things tomorrow. however its blue cheese and goat cheese only. Velveeta is apperantly not really even cheese. haha

not happy - three tiny pieces of cheese cost me $21. and I realize now that i put back a big piece of blue cheese for a smaller one because I asked how long it would last and she said a week. so i figured i didn't want to throw out blue cheese, so i got a smaller different kind, which i see now was $3.50 more than the big one i put back. DUH!

happy - i tasted the blue cheese and like it. strong! but i like it.

not happy - i haven't pooped today and feel like i should have already

happy - I have lost 3 - 5 lbs already.   i ballpark because i didnt know my exact weight before..but definately at least 3 lbs,  maybe as much as 5 lbs.   Yay me.

happy - i get bread tomorrow!  its spelt bread though. so dunno if it is going to satisfy me the way a big baggette dipped in oil and vinegar would.

not happy. - no yummy snacks. i like snacking. i dont get to snack. sigh

happy.and not happy -  i have been having wicked sleeps lately. except last night i had a dream my finger was going to fall off, and my ring was cutting of circulation and had to be surgically removed. and my finger hurt and hurt and hurt.  and i woke up this am and see that my ring is on my nightstand.  which means my finger was hurting and it woke me enough for me to remove my ring and place it on the nightstand.

happy - my neighbor is taking Luna for a walk/run sometimes. she needs the exercise. even if my neighbor is super weird. she is currently off with him. hope she comes back exhausted.

undecided - although this week looks more tasty food wise, its alot more prep work and I am kind of tired of being in the kitchen all the time.

I have an exam on wednesday that I have barely studied for because i lack the know how of actually studying. i rarely did it (studying). i get distracted after 5 min and give up. and i wish i had snacks. feels like I am mostly going to wing it. I am taking wednesday off work. so i will study all day . in theory.... test is in the evening. I will def. be well rested and not have work stresses going in to it. and that alone should help.

there were tonnes of food samples at the farmers market. they all smelled and looked amazing and super delicious.  I had none. NOT HAPPY. (but proud.. of will power... cuz the tarts were calling me... big time..)

what i miss

I am almost done one week of this.  Its hard to believe that I haven't cheated.

OK, i cheated last night.  because I was watching TV [ Survivor] and really wanted something sweet.

so I ate ONE DATE.  as slow as i could.  and then promptly forgot about food altogether.  

But one date isn't a cheat really, although its not listed as an after supper snack, it is listed as part of breakfast.  and so i figured one date would not compromise all i have done this week.

i miss textures mostly.  the food i have been eating is mostly satisfying in the way of fullness. and better than i expected in the way of taste. but lacking in the way of texture and pleasure.. 

there is nothing warm and gooey, like pizza melting. or creamy, like chocolate or ice cream. or just the feel of bread, toast, a pastry.  all those textures are part of the joy of eating those things.  there is nothing crunchy like chips.  and i would forgo the chips just for something to crunch like that in my mouth.  and no a raw carrot is not going to do it.

Lunch is more steamed veggies,  with spiced steamed chick peas.  I get to spice the chick peas with Cumin and pepper,  and those will be the first 2 spices I can use this week.  so far i have only been allowed lemon juice, balsamic vinegar with olive oil, or sunflower oil. 

I am really excited about the CUMIN.  i stuck my nose in it for a whiff this morning, and frankly can barely wait to taste it.

but then i think... mmm cumin...reminds me of indian food. mmmm naan bread, butter chicken, the textures.  and lunch is somewhat less exciting.

Next week i get blue cheese.  I am ok with blue cheese.  i dont love it. dont hate it.  i hope and think on monday at dinner, i will love it, because the taste will be new, and the texture is going to be a twice baked potato.  which might hit the creamy and warm texture feeling.

how about we skip it?

I emailed him, asking for advice on the diet, and on the race I am registered for.

He said I can skip the herbal teas.  I dont drink much tea. I'd rather have water.

he also asked if I can skip the race.

"Not a great idea, can we not do it? "

I haven't decided. right now. I still plan on doing it.

but we'll see how I feel by the end of next week.

it'll be the end of week 2 that is race day.

I won't be racing if I have to go to the bathroom every hour still.

I'm still going to the race, whatever my decision, be it to run, or to cheer. I'll still be there.

BEING VEGAN

I hadn't realized it fully until I read it in my book.

This first week is completely vegan.

I had always thought that Vegan-ism would be really hard. and that I'd be hungry all the time.

its not as hard as i figured. but perhaps that due to me having a book that is telling what to eat each meal.

i am definitely not hungry.  In fact I often find myself forcing down the last bit of breakfast.  Because its a lot more filling that I expected.

Oh and an update.....

 That whole I am feeling awesome post from yesterday afternoon... was short lived.
I felt awesome for less than an hour.   and then it was followed with a big wave of SACK OF HAMMERS.

and

Flax seed oil has quite a pleasant taste.   I was a bit worried as I am supposed to have a tablespoon each day at breakfast.  Straight up oil.   It was quite easy to take. BIG RELIEF.

bogged down

"Take your clothes off and just relax" she said.

I went for my first Lymph treatment. unclothed from the waist up, i lay on a table with a blanket draped across my chest. its folded up and my stomach is exposed.

she gently gives me a belly rub, taking time to focus on my liver.

Meanwhile I have two Electrode type things down my pants in the crevice of my legs. The part where your leg meets your pelvis. where you bathing suit or underwear would sit.

"It'll draw the lymph down" she said.

It was relaxing. but I wished i could have been asleep. making small talk in certain situations makes me feel awkward. This was one of them.

Soon she is done the belly rub and asks me to move the right electrode.  I remove it and she places it on my liver.  and I wait for 10 min, taking deep breaths as instructed.

she returns and gives me a liver massage. my liver bogged down. the machine tells her that.

After that I have to place the electrodes under my breasts. and wait another 10 min. deep breathes

and then they get jammed up in my armpits, for another 10 min. more deep breathing

She comes back and tells me that i will have to give myself massages at home. in the shower works best. arm above your head and move your hand down along the inside of your arm, she finishes explaining and adds in

and take time to relax throughout the day.  Take deep breaths. it helps more than you realize.

oh, and don't be concerned if you feel worse.  some people react to this more than others.  so you may feel gross later. Some people dont react at all.

i don't feel 'gross' per say.  but i feel bogged down, heavy, my muscles are stiff. with zero reason as I have not excercised at all recently.

which is a whole different issue......

weeeeeeeee

right now I am feeling pretty awesome.  Especially in comparison to how the past few hours were.

i feel clear headed. good warm even body temperature. 
Stomach is still full from lunch [1130 pm]

No gassy feeling, or bloating really.

~~

i read in the book that is a particular veggie is unavailable that I can substitute it with another veggie no problem.

 Broccoli is now "unavailable"

I do not like it.  sorry Broccoli.  you are OUT

This diet includes not so cheap things as well. actually, nothing is cheap... but i found Avacados on sale for $0.61  each.... down from $1.19 each... score.

But then...... Flax oil.

1/2 litre. = $23.

OMG

but look at what it can do for you!

hills and valleys

its crazy how aware i am of the ups and downs of this.

 yesterday was a treat. felt ok, then NOT ok, ok, NOT, ok NOT

today i woke up and felt pretty good.

until about 9:30.   then i started to feel hungry, or something like that , and went pee for the 6 time today.

at about 10 am I ate my mid morning snack.  [ 1/2 avacado]

and now i feel like death. tired, heavy, hot. almost weak.

and I have to poo. again.

did I mention hot?

 i am hot hot hot right now.

None of this is meant to sound negative. I am happy. although i would like to be in bed, or on my couch.  my mood is good. maybe a bit slow, and heavy,  but not in a bad mood at all.

at a loss

i am so tired.  not generally speaking,  but actually physically, eye drooping, head nodding, falling asleep where I sit tired.

 or stand for that matter.... i could sleep on my feet right now.

I tried walking around my office to get blood flowing.

how do you stay awake when you can't have caffeine?

I am at a loss.

feeling worse as the day passes.

tomorrow could be messy.

didn't even get through typing this post without a couple very long delayed blinks and a couple head nods...

detox diet - day 1 so far

Breakfast was ok.  I ate an apple and some quinoa and a date and a cup of what I will call "Veggie Tea"

The Date was without a doubt my favorite part.

I didnt have any flax seed oil on hand or Grapefruit juice.  Those will be added tomorrow after my trip to the grocery store tonight.

mid morning snack - 1/2 an apple.   It was good.  the other 1/2 is browning on my desk, waiting for me to eat it mid afternoon.  I can hardly wait i tell you.

slow on the water uptake, [ goal 3 L ]  but thats probably cuz I have to pee every 2 seconds and am subconciously trying to make that happen less.

Lunch - steamed veggies. Potatoes, carrots and brocolli.  I am allowed to season with oil and vinegar, or lemon juice.  but i forgot. so they are plain. steamed. thats it.

they are OK.  Taste like veggies. I am bad at chewing.. i dont chew nearly enough.  so i am focusing on chewing.  makes the veggies more juicy.  but also more monotonous.

I haven't had any physical sugar cravings today.  but i have had a few psychological ones.
makes me wonder if they are all psychological.....

20.5 days to go.

will it get easier? or harder?

I am not sure which day I suspect will be the worst.  but I am guessing it'll fall in week ONE.

.... and I talk about poo

"Are you high?"

~~~~~~~
This weekend was pretty random to say the least.  I started the herbal supplements on Thursday. They are all pretty much to help me produce healthy stomach bacteria.

My insides have been less than healthy for quite some time. I have never been one to have regular bowel movements. few times a week at best for a while now.

I've come to a point where i am sick of the side effects.  the lethargy, tiredness, lack of energy, bloating, gas, you name it.

I am dumping my toxic load.

now... this is all personal speculation.... but it seems reasonable, and explainable.

I started the herbals on Thursday evening.

They are meant to help my body purge the toxins. By way of healthy bacterial balance. so the toxin purging started on Thursday,.... but the first toxic 'dump' if you will,  did not happen until Saturday around lunch time.

so.. you wonder... what happens when your organs are dumping toxins, but your body is not dumping anything....

 you get high.

 its the only way I can explain it.

 I was bat shit crazy all day on Friday and Sat morning until I had that first 'dump'

I found that I could not find words to make simple sentences. complete and utter lack of focus. I had the attention span of an aphid. I said random things.

to subway guy when he asked what I wanted: " hey, whats up " [ everybody laughed]

I found almost everything insanely funny.  to the point where i would still be laughing about it 10 - 15 - 20 min later. even by myself.

The subject of wiener water [ hot dog soup? ] came up and I lost it for a while. Tears streaming hysterics.

I could barely focus on a game of cards and had to repeatedly ask what suit was Trump.

Hypersensitivity to everything.  the elastic of my pants, the texture of the chap stick. the feel of the cushion beneath my behind. Everything.

it was somewhat euphoric. but i was to air-headed to even really enjoy it.

i had an insanely overheated sleep on Friday night.  half woke up wondering why my shirt was wet, but fell back asleep before consciousness.

Saturday morning I asked for help cutting veggies cuz I knew that me and a knife wouldn't work out well.

 Then I pooped. and I was fine.

What happens when you pay attention

you start to notice things you didnt before.  Or see things you chose to ignore.

I am starting an extreme Naturopathic diet on Monday. To fix my insides. My digestion has never been amazing.  its time to do something about it.

 more on what i was told later.

 for now.

 McDonalds.

Big Mac Meal.

11:47 am.

It was good. damn good.  its part of my eat anything i want that crap until monday whe i have to start this diet.

I liked it. I skipped most of the fries, but ate the whole burger and drank almost all of the cola.

By the time I got back to the office [ work] I was hot, sweating even.  behind the knees, armpits and inside of my elbows.   My face felt hot and my lower back was starting to bead.

 I would have taken off my sweater to cool off, but I only have a tank top on underneath and didn't feel it appropriate for the office.  My feet were hot too and i dreamed of taking off my shoes.

but my feet sweat. and so was worried they may smell already so i didn't.

Enter in the flushing.  my face is red.  visibly. and my neck and forearms and armpits are itchy.

so are the top of my feet now that i think about it.

 its currently 3:00 pm.... and i am still reacting to the big mac.

 I have no doubt thats what it is. zero doubt.

my cheeks, still hot, feel a bit puffy as well,  if i really sit and think about it.

if I didn't think about it, I'd just pass it off to the office being wonky and someone messing with the thermostat. but no one has said its hot in here today. and everyone still has sweaters on.  so its just me.

me and my big mac.

Never the same again

I went to the grocery store with some co-workers yesterday to buy a lottery ticket.

I bought a chocolate bar and they bought a lottery ticket.

Life will never be the same.

it will be a battle to not have this on hand, to not have a piece of its velvety goodness in my mouth for every minute of every day.

I will think of it, and long for it. always

no promises

on regularly returning to the blogging world.  but maybe

• I gave Luna a birthday since I don't know her real one. - its Today!!

• I bought a chocolate bar i have not seen before. Lindt Dark, with Chili.   I am in love and have ate all of it,  save for one square.  The life of that square....it not going to be long.

• I am having a horrifically hard time focusing on work lately.
  

• I have an appointment with a Naturopath tomorrow. One that came highly recommended. I have high hopes that I can find a path to a healthy digestive system, not plagued with bloating and gas.

• I totally love talking about poop. I'd do it with a perfect stranger.  I hope he asks tomorrow.

• Speaking of poop.... I am seriously considering starting Colon Hydrotherapy treatments as well. but will discuss this first at my appointment tomorrow.

• I really love bread and bread products, but am considering giving them up. Except for maybe one day a month, on which I will likely make myself sick by binging on them, since the thought of never having bread again is too hard to bear / bare  [ i really don't know which one is right at this moment in time.....it'll come to me later]
  

uh oh!

I have registered for a 16km road race on April 18.

My first ever event.

I haven't run for over 2 weeks due to life getting in the way.

work all day followed by a course all evening leaves no time for running!

19 days until race day.

so exciting!